Inner Musings

Friday, July 13, 2001

I go through all this, before you wake up, so I can feel happier

Oh dear. Dear, dear me. Yahoo has indexed my site under "girls with extremely hairy armpits." This is a crushing blow dealt to my psyche. They're not hairy! They're barely stubbly! Come on! Now, the bulk of people visiting my site are drawn there by some strange hirsute fetish! I've been grossly, grossly misinterpreted.

Today was Friday the 13th, and I didn't even notice until tonight. Truly, disappointing, as I would have enjoyed being freaked out while I ran around the house. Or, I could have gathered together a cadre of my close chums and gone out to celebrate in a appropriate paganistic fashion!

I'm currently online chirtling (flirting + chatting ...nauseous, isn't it?) with Eli. It's time I admit it. I like him.

Bad.

to be safe again with you

Anemone Ra 9:54 PM

Tuesday, July 10, 2001

You've been all over.

The past few days have gone by in something of a daze. The weather, as of late, has been beyond reproach, that is, if reproaching the weather ever did any good, especially in Seattle. I haven�t really been setting out and accomplishing much; I haven�t exactly started my life syllabus or anything of that sort, but I�ve been getting the little things done, slowly and surely. I�ve decided that any kind of social strategy is worthless, but that�s a strategy in itself, so it�s a self-defeating sort of contemplation, right? I started hanging out with Eli a lot more. We never really hung out during the school year, but for some reason, I�ve been over at his house practically every night for the past week, watching movies. I�ve watched more movies this past week than I have for the past year, I think. And since he�s somewhat of a technological God/pirate, I�ve been able to view some rather "questionably legal" films these past days. Tomb Raider, Shrek�he says that if the authorities ever caught on to him, he�d be screwed for capital crime or something of that ilk. I was shocked; I thought you were slapped with a little fine and whacked on the wrist for misbehavior. But apparently it�s a $450,000 fine per item of pirated copyright material. Seems a little ridiculous. How come no one cares about rapists and murderers anymore? How come everyone�s all up in arms about an illegal copy of Christina Aguilera�s newest CD? It�s a sick, sick world, folks. Interesting fact: advanced druglords are served with the type of sentence given to repeat-offense murderers. I don�t think corruption even pertains to this sort of thing anymore; the sad thing is that all of this crap seems to be unintentional. It doesn�t feel as though there�s a big man on campus who�s controlling the system. Maybe there�s a Mafia Don that I�m unaware of.

So I�m at Eli�s house pretty often. Mainly at night, though. I�ve been there once during the day, on the fourth of July with Moon and Nova and her retarded boyfriend. We all watched Shrek, and I was reminded of how entirely much I dislike Nova, on a cosmic sort of level. Nothing really stand out about her when we hang out, unless she�s being a snatch, in which case it stands out left and right. It�s more particular after we go our separate ways, and I feel like I�ve been in the presence of somewhat of a fake. Drama queen, toddler, conniving con artist�but I don�t like dissecting these sorts of feelings very much. Feels like I�m taking sick pleasure in social distaste, like the hordes of snobbish girls that decorate our high school bathrooms, polluting the air with aerosol hair spray and unconcealed contempt for the social aberrations. I�m standoffish and judgmental enough already. I don�t need extra karmic agitation, and I certainly want to avoid emulating those that I dislike the most.

There�s a sort of tension in the air when I�m around Eli, not an aggressive one, and not exactly one that I would deem to be sexual. The stretching of a rubber band, if you will. We�re both wondering about things, I�m guessing, and we�re seeing the boundaries. Perhaps I should only speak for myself, but I think he may have taken a liking to me, which is curious and rather interesting. I do find him somewhat attractive, but I have a bad habit of falling into relationships that don�t suit me, and are made for either convenience or the dissolution of
a particular brand of ennui. So I�m trying to avoid this sort of thing, as it screwed me over horribly as far as Emre was concerned. I loved him to death; he was a great guy, but honestly not exactly a match made in heaven. For one, he was a big freak, and I�m kind of sexually repressed, and he was academically inclined while I was intellectually inclined, if that makes any sense. He was a bit of a thug, but I found it extremely attractive that he spoke German. Why? What�s wrong with me? It�s kind of sick.

Eli and I get along very well on a level that is humorous and conversational, but there seems to be an inherent understanding of the inner workings of things, at least on my end of the rope. I doubt he�s cracked the psyche of the resident psycho, yours truly.

It is so perplexing to see his face at night. He�s half Mexican, but whiter than I am, with a deep, sharp voice. He�s the kind of guy who looks like he should be perpetually raising an eyebrow in a saucy manner and looking at you from profile. Except I usually see him on the bed, behind me in a manner that I have to crane my neck to see him. And he's always glowing with this neuromancer William Gibson sort of light that plays off of the video that we are inevitably watching. Bluish and very ethereal. Then he wiggles his eyebrows and says something about the 37 % of me that is supposedly lesbian (Thank you , TheSpark Gay Test,) and we continue on in our silence, occasionally punctured by a joke or explanation of plot.

Perhaps.

It's been all over you.

Anemone Ra 9:46 PM

Sunday, July 08, 2001

He's going to put his two cents in, because he's got a gun

Hm. Went running yesterday. Am reminded of how depressingly out of shape I am. Have begun with rigorous crunch routine. Hm...

No calls as of yet from Jordan. Fucker. I'm pretty bored at times, hence tempted to call the Big Jerk, but have thus far thwarted my own attempts. Self-regulation. I went and rented "Meet the Parents" with my mom last night. (Irony? Hm.) Anyhoo, I ran into about three of the most obnoxious people from my school, and immediately felt spiritual beyond comprehension. I think it was a karmic deed of saintliness that I didn't disembowel them on the spot.

I've been having really odd dreams as of late.

But I'm going to put in three because history owes me one.

Anemone Ra 9:20 AM